Non-Post
I was thinking about posting, but the screaming in my head won't stop.
In the meantime, let's go back to an earlier version of my brain.
On Wednesday night I went to band practice. (2 flutes, clarinet, 2 trombones, 2 trumpets - one of them new!) We have three pieces for our December concert, and one of them is not a Sousa march. (We likes us our Sousa.)
I like learning a new piece with Dn. Tom. When we're not getting the "musicality," he acts it out for us: "No, no, this first part is the march"—eyebrows down, glowering importantly—"and then comes this little dancey bit: la, di-da-da, di-da-da, di-da-da, di-da-daaa" as he skips stage right, swinging his hands like a very large, bearded schoolgirl in a cassock. No wonder I have problems getting my embouchure back.
I have written on my music "smooth as pie" to remember to play a few bars legato. It helps, but not as much as the tempestuous waggling eyebrows which control the dynamics even more than his arms and shoulders.
After rehearsal, I went to the last part of the basketball game. V's team was playing badly (first game and first time playing together this year at all) and lost. There are too many politic-y things going on with basketball on campus this year, and everyone seemed in a bad mood.
Virgil and I had a fight last night about going to things. I don't really like going to the "Ladies' Nights Out," but I feel I ought to, especially when the blog community likes the after-posts. Last night I was ready to go and realized I was 10 minutes late, and just gave up. I didn't go to Virgil's chant group rehearsal, either. Virgil pointed out that I don't go, and then I complain about being lonely. How come he always has good points, and everything I complain about is in my head anyway? He said he was tired of telling people that I didn't feel well, and that they always asked after me, that they missed me. I said that being unwanted is different from feeling unwanted. I just feel in the way. I'm not a student, I don't know anything, and I'm tired of pushing my way into other peoples' lives.
Everything about my life seems new and strange except the books...
In the meantime, let's go back to an earlier version of my brain.
On Wednesday night I went to band practice. (2 flutes, clarinet, 2 trombones, 2 trumpets - one of them new!) We have three pieces for our December concert, and one of them is not a Sousa march. (We likes us our Sousa.)
I like learning a new piece with Dn. Tom. When we're not getting the "musicality," he acts it out for us: "No, no, this first part is the march"—eyebrows down, glowering importantly—"and then comes this little dancey bit: la, di-da-da, di-da-da, di-da-da, di-da-daaa" as he skips stage right, swinging his hands like a very large, bearded schoolgirl in a cassock. No wonder I have problems getting my embouchure back.
I have written on my music "smooth as pie" to remember to play a few bars legato. It helps, but not as much as the tempestuous waggling eyebrows which control the dynamics even more than his arms and shoulders.
After rehearsal, I went to the last part of the basketball game. V's team was playing badly (first game and first time playing together this year at all) and lost. There are too many politic-y things going on with basketball on campus this year, and everyone seemed in a bad mood.
Virgil and I had a fight last night about going to things. I don't really like going to the "Ladies' Nights Out," but I feel I ought to, especially when the blog community likes the after-posts. Last night I was ready to go and realized I was 10 minutes late, and just gave up. I didn't go to Virgil's chant group rehearsal, either. Virgil pointed out that I don't go, and then I complain about being lonely. How come he always has good points, and everything I complain about is in my head anyway? He said he was tired of telling people that I didn't feel well, and that they always asked after me, that they missed me. I said that being unwanted is different from feeling unwanted. I just feel in the way. I'm not a student, I don't know anything, and I'm tired of pushing my way into other peoples' lives.
Everything about my life seems new and strange except the books...
posted by magda at 3:36 PM
5 Comments:
Oh hon, that sounds really difficult to get through.
Now, this part I ask out of love and concern, not out of anything else, ok?
Could you be fighting a depression? I went through a terrible time a few years ago, and ended up seeing my doctor to treat it, it was the best decision of my life.
Anyway, forgive me if I offend, just wanted to offer up the thought.
Hugs!
Just wanted to send you a cyber-hug; it sounds like you would appreciate one.
We all have short periods in our lives like you describe, but if it goes on more than a very short while, it may be a more serious issue.
I would have a chat with one of your clergy about it- they are often very good at pinpointing what is the root cause of how we might be feeling.
I would also have a talk to your doctor as well.
Please tell Virgil exactly how you are feeling- he loves you and will want to do everything he can to help.
More hugs and prayers
You know, you don't have to go to everything. There's such a thing as overcommitment. I can tell you as your downstairs neighbor I'm always astonished at how many times a day you pass my door headed somewhere. You need some downtime (more when there are complicating factors like no sunlight) and it's OK to take that.
Virgil doesn't need to tell people you don't feel well. He can just tell them you're tired and taking a break. It's wonderful that he wants you there with him, but I'm sure he doesn't want you to run yourself ragged.
Magda,
I feel unwanted and in the way at the chanting stand sometimes as well. It's rather an unruly beast. ;-)
Forgive the unsolicited advice but I'd say: don't do anything you don't want, but be honest with yourself about what you want. That's easy to say.
With love in Christ,
Good luck sorting out what you do and don't do. You certainly don't have to go to Ladies' Night Out just so I can read a post about it! It sounds as if you do have other things to do, although it sounds as if perhaps you'd like some other friends to hang out with sometimes as well. I don't have a solution for you, but I understand how you feel. Graduating from college and getting married and moving somewhere new and being thrown into a group of people based on what career your husband is pursuing -- all at once -- is a heck of a lot of things to deal with. I know you'll make it, and we'll be praying for you.
Post a Comment
<< Home