On Waiting and Worth

So this weekend (and today, as it turns out) we've been waiting for important news. We're not allowed to say quite a bit at this point (see: tearing hair out), but we're expecting to hear either that we're ready to move ahead on a whole bunch of work, or we're still going to do some work before we're even at that stage of the game.

Fortunately, this weekend our parish hosted the Metropolis of Atlanta St. John Chrysostom oratorical festival. I got to see Presvytera Christine Salzman, who is wonderful, and I met Presvytera Georgia Metropulos, who is also wonderful. (Ahh, basking in unexpected presvyteres memories.) On Saturday, I attempted to have Teddy take a nap (mostly failed) so we could go with the group on an hour-and-a-half dolphin-sighting boat tour (completely awesome, especially for Teddy). We also got to hang out with some very tall priests (Frs. Grigorios Tatsis and James Berends) on the beach. Teddy threw sand, covered himself in sand, lay down and immersed himself in sand, was slightly buried in sand, ran in the sand, and came home with lots of sand and a beach ball. I love being prepared with changes of clothes. On Sunday it rained, and Teddy went out in it to the point where I just took off most of his clothes and let him go for it. (Did I mention loving having changes of clothes?)

However, with the Very Important Call not going to come on the weekend, I still had plenty of nervous energy. So I worked on my to-do list. I have a love-hate relationship with my to-do list. I really love having things written down, as I have a terrible memory, and things niggle at the back of my head (I've got something Important to do ... what is it?). On the other hand, when I *don't* get things done (hello, the internet), I get depressed and pessimistic and feel worthless in general.

But. With the Very Important Call looming, we decided to pray more. So I had my husband pull out a paraklesis booklet from the heap by the icon corner (yes, "tidy and dust the icon corner" has been a repeat entry on the to-do list for a few months now, and is becoming more important as Teddy's reach and curiosity expand exponentially || I have also added "find *small* paraklesis book" to the to-do list as all we could find is the great paraklesis book), and we started using it. Then I realized that, although I drag my feet when it comes to morning prayers, adding a reader's service of the great paraklesis makes me like doing the morning prayers *and* gets my day off to a better start (oh, hush. days can start at noon, right?); I never thought that adding prayers would make me like praying more. Maybe singing them has something to do with it.

Getting things done on my to-do list has really helped my sense of self, most especially my nightly routine. I've had "put away dishes, clean Teddy's chair, wipe counters, and tidy for 15 minutes" on the daily list literally for months without doing them systematically. I did all of those things last night and it was like a drug. I FELT LIKE A WORTHWHILE HUMAN BEING AGAIN. No more moping, feeling oppressed from all the things I have to do (okay, packing boxes and ahaha planning a neighborhood yard sale impinge on that a bit), and no more feeling like I never get anything done: if I can just trust the self who writes out the list, stop thinking, and just follow what I wrote, I might actually be able to be a grown up (eventually). Just don't ask me to eat the shrimp. That's grown-up food.