September 3

Today I managed to go to the family storytime at the library, even though we were late due to an unexpected poopy diaper.

I spent most of the afternoon on the computer working on presvyteres stuff. The article ("by Teddy") of the Atlanta Metropolis Clergy-Laity is still too large, so I will have to figure out how to reduce the filesize of each of the pictures, then resize them to what they currently are, and make sure everything works.

I decided not to go to the water aerobics thing tonight, but took about an hour to work in the yard some more. I didn't realize I was so long, since I started about an hour later than I usually do, and went until I couldn't tell dirt from leaves (and was trying not to think of bugs).

Still doing more cogitating than working on the presvyteres directory. I'm much better at looking things up than calling people I don't know. Oh, well. I'll see what I can do with a fresh start tomorrow.

No Jury Duty

I know most people want to get out of jury duty, but I had been rather looking forward to participating. Unfortunately, Teddy probably wouldn't be happy at being separated from his food for an entire workday. (We tried bottle feeding once, and all three of us were exhausted and unhappy afterwards.)

I was excused as "a parent or legal guardian of a child under 6 and not full-time employed." I think it's neat that I was able to do this online, but a little sad that I couldn't add a note: Try back when my son is weaned!

I don't get to use the word "weaned" enough, I think. Also, I like calling Teddy "yeanling," thanks to Fr. Seraphim's influence. (Mary was referred to as "the Ewe that yeaned the Lamb of God.")

Dependency

Dn. Virgil is gone to New York this week for a senior trip to the Archdiocese.

Tomorrow, as previously noted, is my birthday. My birthday is forever doomed going to occur in Lent. The past two years he has made me a birthday cake from scratch. Last year's was all crumbly and lumpy, like a chocolate volcano. I was so disappointed to find out I wasn't "allowed" to come on the trip, so disappointed to realize that he was going to be away on "my" day, that I started missing him early. And very emotionally.

I realize that it's over-emotional, but that doesn't mean that I've been able to stop. It's a good thing I have tasks to accomplish to take my mind off the fact that there's a husband-sized hole in my life right now. I am beset with thoughts and images telling me that he'll be in an accident and I'll never see him again, but I don't think those are from God, so I am doing my best to pray hard to dispel these thoughts. I still tear up, like a giant baby, about once an hour at work.

Being at work is good, except that I'm getting to the part of my to-do list that I've been putting off (it's not important, but I should still do it) for a couple of months now. It's a little weird not to be putting out fires, but I'm pretty sure this is only a brief reprieve, so I should make good use of this time. In the evenings, I've been making plans to go to the gym (last night), and go grocery shopping and have dinner with a neighbor (whose husband is also on the trip), and attend the choir rehearsals. There's also quite a bit of administrative stuff for the concert to prepare for: getting a hold of Fr. Alexios for information about St. Mark's and whether he'd be able to say a few words during the concert; getting together with Diana to go over solo pieces; getting binders and music and information to people who need them; and getting the program finalized and printed out. And I need to schedule a confession, always a difficult task. I came too late to chapel last night to find a priest to ask.

Last night, as I was going into the gym, I was chatting with a student coming out. He remarked that my being away from Virgil and missing him so much sounded like another form of fasting. Reading this post on fasting also helped me take a step back and evaluate how what I was feeling was dominating how I thought and what I did.

I have been leaning too hard on my husband. Yes, he can take it, and gracefully, but it's not good for either of us. I look to him for reassurance on everything. This morning, I got up on the third snooze (not the fifth or the sixth, as usual) and was out the door with time to get fuel and still be early to work (not five minutes late, or just barely on time). I even had to make all of my own lunch. I haven't sliced bread in months, much less had to get the loaf out of the machine.

I know comparisons are odious, but I look around at my peers and I see adults: one has a little baby and another on the way* and is going to Ethiopia to see whether their family has a calling to missions; another has a baby with one on the way* and is struggling to cope with being a stay-at-home mother and writer while her husband is gone much of the time; another is expecting,* with her husband gone, and yet extends the hand of friendship to me, inviting me over for dinner tomorrow night. I struggle for half an hour to reply to an email from the last of these, stressed because I have to make decisions about what I will do in the next two evenings, without any feedback from my husband about what I do or how I phrase things in the email.

*I don't mean to say that the only people I admire are pregnant, or that it's all I think about, but I am especially impressed with people who not only have things together to the extent of being able to handle (not just physically) the demands of being responsible for life besides their own, but are expanding in other realms of their lives as well as being gracious and hospitable. Writing out a list of these three, however, has made me realize that God has given them to me as icons, holding out a hopeful picture of the strengths he would like to share with me if I choose to keep working on myself.

Oh, it hurts to grow, but how little and small and ugly I am now! Pray for me, a sinner.

Sore Throat

Yesterday I missed church and today I missed work, due to a sore throat which added some congestiony things. I had forgotten what it was like to be sick, so it took me a while to get back in the hang of treating symptoms.

Last night, after a day with no congestion, I started getting completely congested and then I remembered Tylenol Cold. Within half an hour, I was asleep. What bliss!

Yesterday and today I tried to eat things with mustard in them. And, of course, tried to eat vitamins and drink fluids, especially orange juice.

But this evening, I remembered my secret weapon: garlic. Just a section of a clove, eaten after a while. I feel (and smell) powerful.

Maybe this is what I need to have on hand to help me set boundaries with people at work. Unless they like garlic as much as my husband does. :)

Continuing the count-down

Currently, there's eleven weeks, two working days, and forty-seven minutes to commencement.

Work is harder and harder to tolerate, somehow. The phrase "wailing and gnashing of teeth" is not out of place with my thoughts on the subject. Right now I don't know my plans for the next eleven-twelve-thirteen weeks. (Of course I don't know anything beyond that. That would be silly.)

So work is in the process of producing an employee handbook. I asked K a while back how many vacation days I have left (thinking I would see how much of a Paschal break I could take, or how else I should arrange my tools to stretch my sanity jeest a little further). And she didn't know. Because they're in the process of changing how vacation days are done.

What I knew before: effective January 1, employee has immediate access to a year's worth of vacation, sick time, etc.; employee keeps any unused time at the end of the year, adding to the current time.

What K indicates they may be changing to: effective at the employee's anniversary (hire) date, employee will accrue vacation time in what seems to be a monthly manner: 0.867 something days per month; employee does *not* keep unused time at the end of the year.

My anniversary date is April 25 (or 24 according to K, which makes a difference since I took Bright Monday off last year). Massachusetts law says that the employer must pay for any unused vacation time when employee leaves company. I had been planning to work as long as I could, take the vacation pay as a bonus savings for the trip to Greece; I had spoken with this to JL who seemed okay with this. However, if I do that and the second plan is in effect, I would not *get* any vacation pay, and I *would* lose what I hadn't used. Which is silly, to me. I also realized that if Holy Week would come after my anniversary date, were I still employed here and the new plan would be in effect, I wouldn't be able to take the week off. Since last year's Holy Week, I took off three days for traveling to his ordination; one day for a stress vacation day; and two sick days. Also, I really don't want to work here any more.

So JL and C1 and I (that's yours truly, not another initial) had a meeting yesterday, involving who does what and how far is her training and how can we speed things up, and I voiced my concerns about the vacation thing. JL said that within a couple of weeks, they should have three or four people ready to be interviewed. So. One thing Dn. V. and I had been talking about was giving notice this week and stopping working on my birthday. However, due to the COMPLETELY UNKNOWN FUTURE, it seems prudent to keep socking money away into the savings account.

So after commencement, there's a trip to Greece, which is sponsored by the government of Greece through the school. We have tentative dates (starting a week after commencement). We have been told the government does not have the funds to include the wives (but we don't know whether, if we pay them the money, they could include us in the plans, transportation, etc.). We have given our passport information to the (very patient) student who is working to get us any information at all.

Then after the nebulous trip to Greece, there's a tentative trip to Romania to meet my inlaws. We would like to abscond with them back to the States (you know, generic airport) so that they can be present for their son's (and brother's) ordination to the priesthood.

Theoretically (oh, how bitter are the adverbs!), the ordination would take place at Dn. V.'s new parish assignment. The most recent news on that is from one of the two bishops in Chicago, saying something to the effect of "oh, I thought of this one parish, but I'll have to talk to the other bishop; we'll get back to you."

And then we live happily ever after. Thank goodness there are no loopholes in these plans or anything. I feel like I need a daisy chain and a wispy dress and a vacant look in my eye. I don't mind plans changing ... but that means actually having plans. Right now it's too "yeah, I'd like to do that someday; how about this summer?" God, I trust, but there are a lot of other people whom I *have* to trust, pulling the strings and calling the shots. Too bad I can't get a letter from my bishop telling my boss I need to stay home and play Alpha Centauri for the next eleven weeks.

Oh, and the sequel to my thrilling "Receptionist Manual" is in the works. Today I wrote how to submit forms online. Except for the part where I needed clarification from JL, so I wrote around that. I think there's a desk under all these papers, but I'm beginning to doubt.

Eleven weeks, two working days, and nineteen minutes to commencement. Now to fill the nineteen minutes with silly things which get paper off my desk, since I can't actually think any more.

Crawling Through

This week has really taken it out of me, and I haven't even made it to the gym.

Work ... has been rather horrendous. E was out sick Monday, and we had a new C (C2) to train as receptionist. Our previous C (C1) was out sick Tuesday, came in for the first part of Wednesday, and had to go home and be out on Thursday as well. Nevermind all the unexpected work (for me and for C1, and training C2) I got to prevent me from my already over-loaded expected workload. And the interpersonal boundary issues. Haven't killed anyone yet, and there are 14 weeks and half a workday left now, until commencement.

On Sunday I knitted for about five or six hours. Dn. Virgil lost the scarf I had previously made him, so I figured I would pick up the lonely yarn and make him another. It's a pretty, bright red, and I'd like to be done by the 14th, but I'm planning on using up the whole skein, so I don't know whether that will happen. It's already a good length for a very short scarf, but I like knitting, and I may as well use up this skein and start in on another matching scarf for myself, since I managed to lose my scarf, too, perhaps out of spousal sympathy.

On Monday evening, I was so beat I just stayed home and knitted. On Tuesday, I went shopping during the day and after work, went to the library, and knitted while I watched House. On Wednesday, Dn. Virgil started the laundry, and I finished it; Dna. Shyla came over to visit and drove us both over to Ladies' Night Out where Dna. Vassi showed us how to make kollyva (with many different spellings), and we talked about the different traditions. Afterwards, we had the Howards up for fruit snacks. On Thursday, we had choir rehearsal for the Deacon's Singers (our SATB choir which Dn. Virgil started), and my voice told me that after that week, I was most definitely not going to be able to push enough air out of my lungs to sing well, let alone sing the soprano line. The spice tea from Natalie, given the night before, was really good when I got home (and knitted).

Lent hasn't even started, and I feel like I'm creeping towards Pascha, any progress already reduced to a crawl. I've gotten my Fr. Seraphim Dedes' Great Paraklesis cd back in the car, but couldn't summon up the energy to sing along this morning. I've noticed a difference in how difficult things seem on fasting days as opposed to non-fasting days, actively struggling against giving up. Maybe the creeping crawling is a good preparation for humbling myself, but I am longing for (perhaps not "ready") the lightness of Pascha. (Wikipedia says of crawling, "The term is often used to describe the motion of infants..." That seems appropriate in this "motion of a particularly slow process.")

This weekend we'll celebrate the Saturday of the Souls. Praise God I won't add my father to that list this week. Monday brought a scare, though he should be out of the hospital this coming Monday. (Please pray for Theodore.) On Saturday afternoon, there's a baptism for a darling baby girl on campus. After vespers, we've snagged some people to come over for dinner* before we go to the school's apokriatiko glendi (like a mardi gras celebration) in the gym in the evening. Sunday evening offers a "Kyriaki Parea" which means "Sunday Company" for the women of campus; I'll be bringing my knitting.

*We need help in eating up the ice cream, since somebody doesn't want me to do the whole thing myself. I've offered.

We are hoping that next week will bring my renewed passport and some information about where we might be going in the fall.